Roscoe and the Anti-Television

O

ne night, in the middle of an October thunderstorm, a raindrop ripped a hole in the sky. This raindrop was different, as big as a freight train and made of silver. It dropped through the hole and fell without a sound. At one thousand feet, it froze, hanging in the air. Far below it stood a ramshackle farm house, broken shingles and cracked windows barely keeping out the rain.

From its pointed tip came a beam of blue light. The light pierced one bedroom window, then the other. The raindrop turned and sent another beam of light to the far side of the farm. The light vanished and the hole in the sky sealed shut. The raindrop hid behind a cloud, waiting. Read more…

My friend thinks he’s psychic…

My friend thinks he’s psychic because, whenever the phone rings, he knows who’s calling, even before he answers it. That’s not psychic; that’s caller ID. What would be really impressive is if he saw his mom was calling, and immediately knew why she was disappointed.

Severed Head

A woman gets a call from the police. “We found a body, and we think it may be your husband. Does your husband have a mohawk, a glass eye, and two gold teeth?”

She says “Yes.” So, the police call her in to take a look at the body.

When she gets to the police station, the “body” is just a severed head. But, the head has a mohawk, a glass eye, and two gold teeth.

The woman looks at the body and says “That’s not my husband.”

The police officer says, “What do you mean that’s not your husband? You said your husband had a mohawk, a glass eye, and two gold teeth, and so does this guy. How can that not be your husband?”

And the woman says, “He’s too short.”

Johnny Cahooter, Computer Rebooter

The Big Boss sat down at his computing machine
And he pressed the go-goer, a button of green.
But the go never went, and the screen stayed dark black,
And Big Boss nearly suffered his third heart attack.

“Oh what should I do now?” Big Boss cried with dismay.
“Computing’s confusing, though I do it each day!
Perhaps I should learn how, after all of these years;
Or just crawl under my desk and cry these sad tears.”

The Time Clock struck nine, and in trudged the commuters,
And the Corporate Board, those old three-piece-suiters,
And sycophants, suck-ups, and Big Boss saluters,
And the I.T. technician, Johnny Cahooter.

“Soon I’ll be in such trouble!” lamented Big Boss.
“If I don’t finish payroll, the staff will be cross!
I’ll have the IT guy scoot in on his scooter,
That computer wizard, that Johnny Cahooter!”

Johnny had to wrestle antique printers that jammed,
And comfort an intern evil spammers had spammed,
And retrieve vital files the receptionist tossed,
But he had to come now, or his job would be lost!

So sighing and yawning, that Johnny Cahooter
Zipped into the room on his small, silver scooter.
“Well, what do you need now?” Johnny said to the boss,
“Shall I wipe off your nose, maybe help you to floss?”

“My computing machine,” the boss said with a hiss,
“It won’t bleep and won’t bloop! There is something amiss!”
“It’s simple,” said Johnny, as he scratched at his chin,
“You’ve forgotten to plug the bleep – blooping thing in!”

The More Things Change

“And then, to get at your grandmother’s brain, I would saw off the top of her skull.” Paul smiled at the sea of horrified faces. His students found twentieth century medicine utterly barbaric. Just hearing about historical surgery was disturbing, but he had also provided three dimensional illustrations. Poking a finger into the projection, he pulled the image out of the way and the next one slid up into view. “Today, it’s much simpler. The latest magnetometers can detect the magnetic field emitted by your brain from clear across the room. Direct electrical stimulation of the hippocampus can cause you to rapidly relive your memories as your life literally flashes before your eyes. We record the electrical activity of these memories, and…”

Christine was in the front row again. This week, her hair was pink. Her skirt was black and silver, a starry sky wrapped around her legs. Apparently she had just come from art class. Her neck and arms were sprinkled with blue specks, the results of her frantic, almost violent painting style. It looked as if the air conditioning were on too high again. She had goosebumps down her arms, and her nipples were… Read more…

House of 1,000 Doors

House of a Thousand Doors

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. The ring had become a chain around his neck. She was supposed to be this grand gift from the universe, this reward to make up for a lifetime of pain, and she almost was. But now, he was being dragged somewhere he’d never intended to go.

Veronica was kind and sweet and never criticized. She was the first woman Kurt had ever dated who didn’t accuse him of having Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder because he liked to keep his life running smoothly. “But she has someone else…” The words echoed in his mind as he snapped the empty ring box open and closed. How could she expect a man to share his fiancée?

Read more…

Things I learned in therapy

Things I learned in therapy

  • The imaginary friend I had as a child was actually a real person. Going to the park will never be fun again.
  • I should just ignore the voices in my head because they aren’t real. But didn’t the voices say the same thing about him?
  • The quickest way to get more self-esteem is to take it from other people.
  • Maybe I have intimacy issues, but I can’t stand it when people touch me on the cornea.
  • Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. What makes you crazy is doing it over a walkie-talkie.
  • It might seem like everyone I love is walking away from me, but that’s just how parades work.
  • WHY IS THIS &@#! ICE CREAM SO &**!@ COLD?! …Sorry, my therapist says I need to work on my rocky road rage.
  • I finally realized I have an eating disorder after I broke up with my girlfriend just so I could cheer myself up with ice cream.
  • My therapist said I’m a chronic procrastinator with a messiah complex, but I’m not worried. I’ll save the world . . . eventually.
  • I shouldn’t try to drink my problems away, even if my biggest problem is having too much booze.
  • It’s pretty crazy to wear a tinfoil hat to keep aliens from reading your mind is pretty crazy. It’s really crazy to wear a tinfoil hat because your brain is a baked potato.
  • My therapist says I have a condition that causes indecisiveness, and he’s naming it after me. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Why We Broke Up

My girlfriend and I are about to celebrate our third anniversary. It’s great to finally be in a happy, stable relationship. My last few didn’t end so well…

Lisa just couldn’t deal with the fact that I was born without a uvula.

I told Susan that I wanted two women at once: one to iron my shirts, and the other to bake pies.

Amy got angry because I was always forgetting birthdays, deodorant, pants…

Janice thought I was immature, and I thought she was a poopy head.

Marie only wanted me for my body. Or, more specifically, my healthy kidneys.

Kathy didn’t like that I wanted to “wear the pants” in our relationship. And occasionally the sun dress, but that was only on the weekends, and just because they’re comfortable, not because I’m weird or anything.

Janet and I couldn’t agree on what day to celebrate as our anniversary: our first date, our first kiss, or the first time she filed a restraining order.

I dumped Rebecca after I asked her what sex felt like from a woman’s perspective, and she just said “let me show you” and waved a cucumber at me.

I dumped Carol because she was totally obsessed with being spanked. All night long, it was “No, you can’t spank me”, or “I said don’t spank me”, or “Damn it, stop spanking me!” God, talk about something else already!

I had to dump Rachel because of her intimacy issues. Every night, she would watch me undress, and then close her windows and tell me to get out of the bushes.

Jumper

Jumper

Sixteen stories to the street. That has to be enough.” David jammed the crowbar into the door frame and pulled. The wood cracked and snapped, pieces falling. Tossing the tool aside, he retrieved the wine bottle of from the top of the stairs. There were a few mouthfuls of red left. Couldn’t let it go to waste. Read more…

Deathbed Tale

Deathbed Tale

Thank you all for coming. I am glad to see you all here, even though you are undoubtedly more concerned for your inheritance than for me. I’ve been a cold-hearted bastard for a lot of years, even more than you know. I can’t imagine that you’ll ever forgive me for what I’ve done, so I only ask that you judge my deeds in the proper context. That is why I have called you here – to tell you about my life and my sin, and to explain why one of you will die with me.

I grew up in a nothing town in the Arizona desert. Not even a Post Office; just a school, a diner, and the last gas station before the highway to Las Vegas. The only thing I had in the world was my friends. There wasn’t much to do, but we had so much fun that I never worried about the future.

I remember one night, desperate for anything to do besides homework, we had a game of hide-and-seek in the cemetery. Read more…