Sudo Shutdown Everything

“So, what did you do this weekend?” Frank asked, unwrapping a blueberry muffin.

“I destroyed the universe,” Johnathan said. He pulled off his leather jacket and tossed it over the back of the chair.

Frank checked the coffee shop window – the parking lot, trees, and sky were all there as usual. “Well, I’m sorry to say, but you seem to have done a mighty poor job of it. If I was a super villain and hired someone to destroy the universe, and this was the quality of work they did, I would demand my money back.”

Johnathan sighed. “I should probably start at the beginning.” He tore open half a dozen sugar packets and dumped them all into his espresso, his third that morning.

“Sure, let’s hear it.” Read more…

Searching The Internet For Writing Jobs

I want to be a writer! I’m going to search this job board for “writing”.

Search Results:

  • Insurance office needs someone with 10 years experience writing sales reports
  • Web developer needed – Must have experience writing HTML, PHP, CSS, BBQ
  • Office intern needed – Must enjoy writing lunch orders!

Well, crap. Maybe I’ll search for “writing articles”?

Search Results:

  • Make upwards of $2.00 a day writing articles for Sweatshop Magazine!
  • Help our SEO team with writing articles about popular search terms! Huge income potential because we share our ad revenue with you! If your article gets eleven billion hits, you get $2.00!
  • Earn big money writing articles! Conjunctions! Prepositions! You’ll use all the parts of speech working at our insurance office writing sales reports!

Crap! That doesn’t work, either. Maybe I’ll search for “creative writing”.

Search Results:

  • Like creative writing? Then you’ll LOVE working at our insurance office writing sales reports!

Craaaaap.

Color All Your Days

T

he UFO extruded a long, mechanical arm and yanked a confused cow from the field below. On board the spaceship, a green-skinned man in an apron lit a charcoal grill, his antennas waving excitedly.

Sighing, Greg turned his sketchpad around so his customer could see the drawing. “Something like this?”

The man laughed. “That’s great, bro! But make my apron say something funny.”

“Fine, whatever.” Greg wrote “Something Funny” on the apron and handed the man the caricature. “That’ll be twenty dollars. And if you’re interested, I also have some actual art for sale.” He gestured to a large, wooden screen covered with watercolor portraits and nature scenes.

“Nah, bro.” The man folded the caricature in quarters and shoved it in his jacket pocket.

“Somehow, I didn’t think so.” As the man walked away, Greg stood up, stretched his legs, and wiped the dust off his paintings. “I might not be selling any art, but on the plus side, I haven’t had to buy paint for over a year.”

The beach had been chilly and windy all morning. The boardwalk was mostly empty, but he had managed to make just enough money to cover gas and lunch. On warmer days, the area attracted hundreds of beach goers and tourists, but even then, they weren’t exactly in the market for fine art.

His section of boardwalk was between a retired couple who made turquoise jewelry and a homeless surfer who sold seashells. Of course, the beach was covered in thousands of seashells, but these were special. They had plastic googly eyes glued to them. On the other side of the boardwalk, about twenty feet away, stood a long row of candy machines, soda machines, souvenir penny makers, and other mechanical money-wasters.

Two women walked quickly up the boardwalk, high heels clacking on the wooden planks. The first looked to be in her early forties. She was wearing a waitress’s uniform and a dingy sweater missing most of its buttons. Her friend was ten or fifteen years her junior. She had on tights under her dress and a scarf around her shoulders, but was still shivering in the cold.

“What’s that?” the waitress asked, pointing at a glass booth. It looked something like a cross between a ticket counter and a vending machine. Inside the booth stood a mannequin dressed like a gypsy woman in an old horror movie. The mannequin was staring down at a large crystal ball surrounded by tarot carts. Its lips were parted slightly, as if it were just about to speak. Read more…

Good sex is like good BBQ…

  • Don’t rush it. The longer you spend preparing, the better it will be.
  • It’s better with some big, hot buns.
  • Keep some paper towels handy, in case it gets all over your face.
  • Rub your meat with olive oil. And cayenne pepper.
  • Try it with corn on the cob!

Butch

T

here is a strange light outside, hovering over the woods behind the back fence. Through the gap in the boards, I watch as it darts back and forth like a huge humming bird. I want to alert Food Giver, but barking is not permitted. Thankfully, he steps outside. I must be quiet, but now I can show him!

“Butch, walkies!” Food Giver says. I love walkies! He attaches the leash to my collar and opens the gate. I stop and point up at the light over the woods. “No dawdling,” Food Giver says, smacking my paw. “We can practice shaking later. It’s walkies now.” I try to point again, but Food Giver tugs on the leash, and I must follow. Read more…

Rock Songs Minus One Letter

This is a fun game to play with friends. Take the name of a song, subtract one letter, and tell everyone what the new song is about. I’ve used a bunch of classic rock songs in my list, so if you don’t get a joke, ask your dad.

  • Pink Floyd – “Comfortably Nub” – Pink loses a finger, but he’s okay with that.
  • Van Morrison – “Brow Eyed Girl” – A ballad about his ex-girlfriend’s amazing eyebrows
  • Bob Seger – “Turn The Age” – Bob sings about what happens on your birthday.
  • Elton John – “Rocket Ma” – This tune tells the tale of a woman who helped end the Cold War by giving birth to the first ICBM.
  • Cheep Trick – “I Want You To Ant Me” – Robin Zander wrote this song at a low point in his life, when all he wanted was for someone to burn him with a giant magnifying glass.
  • Blue Oyster Cult – “Don Fear The Reaper” – This song was written in an attempt to convince Don Knotts to give up his dangerous lifestyle and settle down before he got hurt. Don would later quit his career as a motorcycle daredevil and become an actor.
  • Foreigner – “Uke Box Hero” – A love ballad dedicated to the hardworking men and women of the ukelele shipping industry.
  • The Pretenders – “Bass In Pocket” – Chrissie Hynde’s ode to her pet fish, which she carried everywhere she went.
  • Blind Faith – “Can’t Find My Way Hoe” – A hit song about pulling over to ask a prostitute for directions. And that’s all he was doing, officer.
  • Sammy Hagar – “I Can’t Dive 55” – Sammy wrote this song to vent his frustrations over being too young to use the pool at the senior center.
  • The Clash – “I Fought The Aw” – Joe Strummer’s tune about resisting the urge to pet a cute kitty.
  • Ozzy Ozbourne – “Crazy Rain” – Ozzy wrote this song about the time he saw rain falling up. No one had the heart to tell him it was just a lawn sprinkler.

Wheelbarrows and Women

My friend came to me with an unusual claim.
“Wheelbarrows and women are completely the same!
They work in the garden, they hold bags of dirt.
Some are quite prudish, the others are flirts.

They both have some legs and they both have a wheel,
And neither will mind if you give them a feel.
Sure, one’s made of flesh and the other of wood,
But I can’t tell the difference – I’m sure nobody could!”

But wheelbarrows and women are not the same thing.
Keep one in a shed, give the other a ring.
A barrow will serve you the rest of your life,
But a woman’s the one that you make your wife.

Now, fella, don’t you get the two confused.
Try to load up a woman, you might be refused.
But barrows will carry the things that you’ve piled.
They’ll carry it all, except for a child.

He said, “But barrows and women both love romance,
And they both like to kiss, and they both love to dance.
You might be correct, you might be on the mark,
But wheelbarrow or woman, who cares in the dark?”

The wikiHow Game

The Rancher Joke

To old men in a retirement home are talking about their kids. The first man says, “What does your boy do for a living?”

The second man says, “He runs a ranch in Montana. He’s got everything there: horses, cows, water buffalo… Everything but a wife.”

The first man says, “Bison?”

The second man says, “No, I think he’s gay.”

Your computer is so old!

  • Your computer is so old, it has a rotary modem.
  • The ISP is Pony Express.
  • The hard drive doesn’t work without Viagra.
  • I wanted to install more memory, but I didn’t have another papyrus scroll.
  • The virus scanner just found the black plague.
  • It burned a DVD at the stake.
  • If you want to reboot, you have to take it to a cobbler.
  • The monitor is a granite slab with the word “AOL” engraved on it.
  • The webcam is Vincent van Gogh.
  • The email app is a guy who can yell really loud.