House of a Thousand Doors

This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. The ring had become a chain around his neck. She was supposed to be this grand gift from the universe, this reward to make up for a lifetime of pain, and she almost was. But now, he was being dragged somewhere he’d never intended to go.

Veronica was kind and sweet and never criticized. She was the first woman Kurt had ever dated who didn’t accuse him of having Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder because he liked to keep his life running smoothly. “But she has someone else…” The words echoed in his mind as he snapped the empty ring box open and closed. How could she expect a man to share his fiancée?

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Things I learned in therapy

• The imaginary friend I had as a child was actually a real person. Going to the park will never be fun again.
• I should just ignore the voices in my head because they aren’t real. But didn’t the voices say the same thing about him?
• The quickest way to get more self-esteem is to take it from other people.
• Maybe I have intimacy issues, but I can’t stand it when people touch me on the cornea.
• Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. What makes you crazy is doing it over a walkie-talkie.
• It might seem like everyone I love is walking away from me, but that’s just how parades work.
• WHY IS THIS &@#! ICE CREAM SO &**!@ COLD?! …Sorry, my therapist says I need to work on my rocky road rage.
• I finally realized I have an eating disorder after I broke up with my girlfriend just so I could cheer myself up with ice cream.
• My therapist said I’m a chronic procrastinator with a messiah complex, but I’m not worried. I’ll save the world . . . eventually.
• I shouldn’t try to drink my problems away, even if my biggest problem is having too much booze.
• It’s pretty crazy to wear a tinfoil hat to keep aliens from reading your mind is pretty crazy. It’s really crazy to wear a tinfoil hat because your brain is a baked potato.
• My therapist says I have a condition that causes indecisiveness, and he’s naming it after me. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

My girlfriend and I are about to celebrate our third anniversary. It’s great to finally be in a happy, stable relationship. My last few didn’t end so well…

Lisa just couldn’t deal with the fact that I was born without a uvula.

I told Susan that I wanted two women at once: one to iron my shirts, and the other to bake pies.

Amy got angry because I was always forgetting birthdays, deodorant, pants…

Janice thought I was immature, and I thought she was a poopy head.

Marie only wanted me for my body. Or, more specifically, my healthy kidneys.

Kathy didn’t like that I wanted to “wear the pants” in our relationship. And occasionally the sun dress, but that was only on the weekends, and just because they’re comfortable, not because I’m weird or anything.

Janet and I couldn’t agree on what day to celebrate as our anniversary: our first date, our first kiss, or the first time she filed a restraining order.

I dumped Rebecca after I asked her what sex felt like from a woman’s perspective, and she just said “let me show you” and waved a cucumber at me.

I dumped Carol because she was totally obsessed with being spanked. All night long, it was “No, you can’t spank me”, or “I said don’t spank me”, or “Damn it, stop spanking me!” God, talk about something else already!

I had to dump Rachel because of her intimacy issues. Every night, she would watch me undress, and then close her windows and tell me to get out of the bushes.

Jumper

“Sixteen stories to the street. That has to be enough.” David jammed the crowbar into the door frame and pulled. The wood cracked and snapped, pieces falling. Tossing the tool aside, he retrieved the wine bottle of from the top of the stairs. There were a few mouthfuls of red left. Couldn’t let it go to waste. Read more…

Deathbed Tale

Thank you all for coming. I am glad to see you all here, even though you are undoubtedly more concerned for your inheritance than for me. I’ve been a cold-hearted bastard for a lot of years, even more than you know. I can’t imagine that you’ll ever forgive me for what I’ve done, so I only ask that you judge my deeds in the proper context. That is why I have called you here – to tell you about my life and my sin, and to explain why one of you will die with me.

I grew up in a nothing town in the Arizona desert. Not even a Post Office; just a school, a diner, and the last gas station before the highway to Las Vegas. The only thing I had in the world was my friends. There wasn’t much to do, but we had so much fun that I never worried about the future.

I remember one night, desperate for anything to do besides homework, we had a game of hide-and-seek in the cemetery. Read more…

Firefox 4′s New Features:

• Customize your browser’s appearance with themes, personas, or cute little hats.
• Click the “New Tab” button any time you want a soda.
• Parental Controls limit access to sites that might confuse or enrage your parents, like Fox News. Read more…

Dull Science Fiction Novels

Just because it’s science fiction doesn’t make it exciting. Here, then, are some science fiction novels that are guaranteed to put you to sleep.

• A Clockwork Orange Julius
• The Invisible Manager
• Atlas Shrugged, Sighed, and Wallowed in Regret
• A Song of Ice and Fire and Wind and Rain and Dirt and Trees and Pine Cones and Waffles and…
• Ringworld & Other Places to Take Your Fiancé
• Foundation, Lipstick, Blush, and Empire
• Stranger in a Strange Land’s End Sweater Vest
• A Wrinkle in Trousers
• Fahrenheit 45 and Partly Cloudy
• Ender’s Game Goes Into Extra Innings
• Something Wicker This Way Comes
• Have Spacesuit, Won’t Travel (Also Have Motion Sickness)
• 2001: A Honda Odyssey
• The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the New Jersey Turnpike
• Flowers for Algebra Homework
• The Moon is a Harsh Mattress (Part 14 of the Napping Astronaut Chronicles)
• The Stairs My Destination
• Jurassic Parking Garage
• Do Androids Dream of Taking Tests in Their Underpants?
• 1984: The Mondale Campaign
• I, Robert
• The Lost World – No, Wait, There It Is. …Well, That Was Easy
• The Andromeda Stain Remover
• Journey to the Center of Ohio

Bonus: Dull Scifi Movies!

• Backgammon To The Future
• Soylent Chartreuse
• Brunch of the Living Dead
• Forbidden Planetarium
• OboeCop
• The Months and Months and Months the Earth Stood Still
• The Fifth Element: Boron

As my grandfather always said…

A lot of people look to their older relatives for advice, guidance, and wisdom.  I am not one of those people.  I’ve collected a few of my grandfather’s favorite sayings here, which should explain why.

• The children are our future, which is why I use them as fuel for my time machine.
• You can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater and you can’t name your dog “Somebody Call 911.”
• I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no face. That’s some scary crap right there. Read more…

Art for Art’s Sake

When the doctor told Jack he was going to lose his sight, his first thought was “I should have become a podiatrist. Even blind, it’s easy to find someone’s feet. They’re usually at the end that’s not talking. But, no, I just had to be an artist…” Jack was a painter. For a little while longer, at least. He would have six more weeks with good vision, possibly less. And then the world would slowly vanish, taking his art career with it. Without sight, it is very difficult to tell if the meadow you are painting is full of red flowers, blue flowers, or ferrets smoking cigars. Read more…

Mystery writing tips

I spent my spare time in college writing a mystery novel called “They Ate the Waitress?” Before that, I had only ever written science fiction, horror, and weird things like that. Fantasy or science fiction stories can be almost anything you like. However, as I discovered, detective story readers have certain expectations about what makes a good mystery. Deviate from them too much, and your readers may give up before your detective even finds the first clue. Whether want to write a straight whodunit or a mixed genre mystery, here are some ideas that might help you get started… Read more…