Depressing Cereals

Start your day with a bowl full of sad with these depressing cereals!

  • Mourn Flakes
  • Sulky Charms
  • Rice Crabbies
  • Frosted Mini-Weeps
  • Cinnamon Life Sucks
  • Quaker Oh Whatevers
  • Boo-Hoo Berry
  • Saddened Wheat
  • Honey Bunches of Oh God Why Me
  • Cryin’ Oat Bran
  • Wailful Crisp
  • They Lied About Me Being Special K

Voiders

“I need to scare the hell out of them,” Rachel thought. “It’s the only way to make them stop. Hopefully they’re still young enough to believe Mom’s old delusions.” She led Zach and Erin to the bathroom and watched them brush their teeth. It was annoying to have to watch them go through their bedtime routine every night, but the seven-year-old twins couldn’t be trusted to do it on their own.

Rachel had spent the whole summer picking up piles of her siblings’ dirty clothes and doing their laundry. Back in June, their father had fallen in love with a new woman and gotten rid of Mom. His girlfriend didn’t do any cooking or cleaning, so Rachel had ended up with a load of new chores. It really wasn’t fair.

Dad’s girlfriend didn’t tell stories, either. When her parents first got together, Dad thought Mom’s weird stories were a charming quirk. But later on, her fantasies grew wilder and she drifted farther and farther from reality. So he replaced her with someone who didn’t have any fantasies at all.

As the twins spat out their toothpaste, Rachel took a seat on the toilet. “Guys, after I picked you up from soccer, you left your dirty uniforms on the bathroom floor. Again.”

“We know, we know!” Zach grumbled, retrieving a toy submarine he had left in the tub earlier. Rolling his eyes, he did a falsetto impression of his big sister. “When Dad goes out of town, I’m your babysitter, not your maid.

Erin smacked her brother on the shoulder. His misbehaving had a way of getting them both in trouble. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her robe and did her best to look guilty and apologetic. “We’re sorry. We don’t mean to be brats. We just forgot.”

Rachel sighed. “Picking up after you guys is annoying, but that’s not why you shouldn’t leave clothes on the floor. Did I ever tell you about voiders?”

Zach furrowed his brow, searching his memory to see if this was another story he had been told while he was only half listening. “I don’t think so. What’s a voider?” Read more…

Grandma Edith’s Last Laugh

Amy Lowell grinned brightly. Grandma had managed to pull off one last prank. “Edith’s last request,” the priest said with a sigh, “was that we begin the service with her favorite song …the Funky Booty Shake.” He pressed play on a tiny remote control. As the raunchy disco tune filled the air, the members of the Lowell family glanced around the tiny chapel, unsure how to react.

Amy’s boyfriend, Hank, had to bite his cheek to keep from laughing. “Your grandma had a fun sense of humor,” he whispered.

“She sure did,” Amy said quietly. “Sometimes when I was visiting, she would go for a walk at night and not come back until the next morning. If I asked where she went, she would say she had a guest spot at a strip club.”

“That’s hilarious. Did she ever tell you what she was really doing?” Read more…

How to Magically Delete Other People’s Reddit Posts

Do you love Reddit, but hate all the garbage people post? “Check out my ill-informed political opinions expressed in the form of a Sexy Groot Meme!” Do you wish you could do more than just downvote their crap? How about deleting their shitposts entirely? Well, with the magic of CSS (Chanting in Satan’s Service), now you can!

You will need:

  • A Computer
  • A Reddit Account
  • Firefox
  • Candles
  • A Virgin Goat
  • The Eye of Agamotto (Optional)

Read more…

Why Every Writer Needs a BOB File

Most, if not all, writers keep a file of story ideas.But what about all those little ideas that aren’t plots or story hooks? This is where the Bits of Business (BOB) File comes in.

The bits of business in your BOB File are too small to be the centerpiece of a story. Rather, they are interesting details that might make some future story more interesting, entertaining, vivid, or true-to-life. A BOB File can include any story detail that pops into your head and feels worth saving, things like:

  • Dialog – Jokes, arguments, secret confessions
  • Names – Characters, restaurants, stores, scifi gadgets
  • Descriptions – A character’s appearance or mannerisms, interesting objects, the physical environment
  • Locations – Interesting towns, weird-looking buildings, places that give you the creeps
  • Objects – Fun gadgets, interesting tools, character-defining personal possessions
  • Foundations – The larger meaning behind a plot, character motivations, subtext, metaphors

If you are working on a story and struggling to come up with a character’s name, appearance, or other details, you can search your BOB File for something to use, even if it’s just a temporary placeholder. Having a collection of story details at the ready will help you avoid getting stuck and wasting valuable writing time. Read more…

The Doom Tapes

Midnight. The sky was streaked with green. Doctor McFadden limped across the Seacoast College campus, his silver-tipped cane tapping on the sidewalk. His other hand clutched a crumpled flyer torn from a bulletin board. “Northern Lights Party! Drink, Dance, And Watch The Sky!” Damn kids had no idea what was really happening. Surrounded by knowledge and still so ignorant.

Conversation and laughter spilled down the hill between the men’s and women’s dorms. A dozen students were sprawled on blankets in the grass, drinking cans of cheap beer and seeing who could throw their empties in the recycling bag from the farthest away. A portable grill shaped like a hubcap filled the air with the smell of charred hot dogs. A few members of the campus AV club were filming the strangeness in the sky with a video drone, a tiny handheld camera, and the history department’s ancient VHS camcorder.

A dreadlocked woman in an Army surplus jacket pointed at the strange, green glow. “This is so cool! I didn’t even know you could see the northern lights in San Francisco!”

“This is a geomagnetic storm!” McFadden called out. The students turned to see a white-haired man in a cardigan jabbing a cane at the sky. “An energy field from space is interacting with the earth’s magnetosphere. Usually, we can see them coming, warn people, give them a chance to get ready in case it knocks out telecommunications satellites. But this came out of nowhere.” Read more…

The cured thief

A thief tells his wife, “You don’t have to worry about me being arrested anymore! The doctor gave me a medication that will completely cure my criminal impulses!”

However, the next night, he is arrested for stealing a couple of iPads and a pizza. His wife comes to bail him out of prison and says, “I thought you were cured! Did you forget to take your medication?”

The thief says, “No, I did exactly what the doctor said! ‘Take two tablets with meals’!”

Signs your boyfriend might be bad in bed

  • You tell him you’re into S&M, so he makes you spaghetti and meatballs.
  • You ask him to bring protection, and he shows up with shin guards and a welder’s mask.
  • He asks if you like being on top, and then shows you his bunk bed.
  • His favorite bedroom role playing game is “Naughty French Maid and Bulbasaur.” (And he’s the maid.)
  • In the heat of passion, he accidentally says someone else’s name. “Someone else! Someone else!”
  • His favorite positions are missionary, doggy style, half nelson, and sleeper hold.
  • Too many hand puppets.
  • You wanted him to cover you in whipped cream, but he’s spraying his 5th can and hasn’t even started licking yet.
  • His sex tapes are too artsy. The last one included a 45 minute dream sequence that was barely even relevant to the plot.
  • He’s a premature ejaculator. Way premature. Like the day before.

Choices

Choices are interesting. You can “frame” a choice in such a way that people never realize how limited their options really are.  When I was a little kid, and my mom was making dinner, she would pick out the main course, and then ask me what I wanted for a side dish.  “I’m making chicken. What should we have with it – broccoli or peas?”

Asking me about the side dish made me happy, because I felt like I was making a meaningful choice, and that I had control over what I had to eat. But framing the question that way was actually designed to limit my choices without me realizing it.  I never thought about the fact that the main course had already been decided, or that I couldn’t have fruit on the side instead, or that maybe I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want any food at all. All I cared about was making this one simple, restricted choice.

But I was just a child.  An adult would never fall for such a simple trick.

…Anyway, who did you vote for?

Your Freedumb to Vote

Tomorrow is Election Day, but you still might be wondering why you should go out and vote. Why should you drive to your polling place when you could stay home and do something that might actually improve your life, like reading a book or shaving your back hair? Well, I’ll tell you why! Democracy is the fuel that keeps the Indy 500 of freedom rolling! America needs your vote to keep going in its endless circle.

You don’t have to be “right” to have the right to vote! For every person who researches the issues, there are two who vote by picking the candidate with the nicest eyebrows. And their vote counts just as much as yours. Isn’t democracy great?

Before you can cut someone’s fingernails, you have to spend 2,000 hours in cosmetology school and apply for a manicurist’s license. To select the people who run the country, all you need to do is stand in a voting booth long enough to figure out which button is “Elephant” and which one is “Donkey.” Why limit voting to people who are actually informed? Limiting voting to smart people would be like limiting driving to sober people.

Voting is all about choices! We have 31 flavors of ice cream, 1,200 channels on the TV and 47,000 blogs about cute cat pictures, but we only need two political parties. Everyone in America is a Democrat or a Republican, just like everyone is named Dave or David.

Majorities rule! To be good at sports, you have to be strong or talented. But voting is different! The only thing you need is to have more people on your team. As long as 50.00001% of America is on your side, you’re a winner! It’s like picking a toothpaste because four out of five dentists recommended it. Only the dentists don’t have degrees, or licenses, and they think “toothpaste” is how you fix broken dentures.

Voting is magic! No money for school or childcare? Let the taxpayers foot the bill! Voting allows you to empty other people’s wallets without the hassle of buying a ski mask. Voting
gets you a little cash. It gets politicians millions of dollars, power, fame, and their names written on the side of buildings. But hey, enjoy your government cheese!

Politicians need your vote to do their jobs! Without your vote, politicians wouldn’t have access to the IRS, the CIA, or the ATF. (That’s the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, which sounds like a store but doesn’t actually sell anything.)

Remember, politicians are like children. They need you to sign a “permission slip” so they can tax you, arrest you, or blow up foreigners. Voting means that, whoever wins, whatever the next president does, you asked for it.