Rock Songs Minus One Letter

This is a fun game to play with friends. Take the name of a song, subtract one letter, and tell everyone what the new song is about. I’ve used a bunch of classic rock songs in my list, so if you don’t get a joke, ask your dad.

  • Pink Floyd – “Comfortably Nub” – Pink loses a finger, but he’s okay with that.
  • Van Morrison – “Brow Eyed Girl” – A ballad about his ex-girlfriend’s amazing eyebrows
  • Bob Seger – “Turn The Age” – Bob sings about what happens on your birthday.
  • Elton John – “Rocket Ma” – This tune tells the tale of a woman who helped end the Cold War by giving birth to the first ICBM.
  • Cheep Trick – “I Want You To Ant Me” – Robin Zander wrote this song at a low point in his life, when all he wanted was for someone to burn him with a giant magnifying glass.
  • Blue Oyster Cult – “Don Fear The Reaper” – This song was written in an attempt to convince Don Knotts to give up his dangerous lifestyle and settle down before he got hurt. Don would later quit his career as a motorcycle daredevil and become an actor.
  • Foreigner – “Uke Box Hero” – A love ballad dedicated to the hardworking men and women of the ukelele shipping industry.
  • The Pretenders – “Bass In Pocket” – Chrissie Hynde’s ode to her pet fish, which she carried everywhere she went.
  • Blind Faith – “Can’t Find My Way Hoe” – A hit song about pulling over to ask a prostitute for directions. And that’s all he was doing, officer.
  • Sammy Hagar – “I Can’t Dive 55″ – Sammy wrote this song to vent his frustrations over being too young to use the pool at the senior center.
  • The Clash – “I Fought The Aw” – Joe Strummer’s tune about resisting the urge to pet a cute kitty.
  • Ozzy Ozbourne – “Crazy Rain” – Ozzy wrote this song about the time he saw rain falling up. No one had the heart to tell him it was just a lawn sprinkler.

Wheelbarrows and Women

My friend came to me with an unusual claim.
“Wheelbarrows and women are completely the same!
They work in the garden, they hold bags of dirt.
Some are quite prudish, the others are flirts.

They both have some legs and they both have a wheel,
And neither will mind if you give them a feel.
Sure, one’s made of flesh and the other of wood,
But I can’t tell the difference – I’m sure nobody could!”

But wheelbarrows and women are not the same thing.
Keep one in a shed, give the other a ring.
A barrow will serve you the rest of your life,
But a woman’s the one that you make your wife.

Now, fella, don’t you get the two confused.
Try to load up a woman, you might be refused.
But barrows will carry the things that you’ve piled.
They’ll carry it all, except for a child.

He said, “But barrows and women both love romance,
And they both like to kiss, and they both love to dance.
You might be correct, you might be on the mark,
But wheelbarrow or woman, who cares in the dark?”

The wikiHow Game

The Rancher Joke

To old men in a retirement home are talking about their kids. The first man says, “What does your boy do for a living?”

The second man says, “He runs a ranch in Montana. He’s got everything there: horses, cows, water buffalo… Everything but a wife.”

The first man says, “Bison?”

The second man says, “No, I think he’s gay.”

Your computer is so old!

  • Your computer is so old, it has a rotary modem.
  • The ISP is Pony Express.
  • The hard drive doesn’t work without Viagra.
  • I wanted to install more memory, but I didn’t have another papyrus scroll.
  • The virus scanner just found the black plague.
  • It burned a DVD at the stake.
  • If you want to reboot, you have to take it to a cobbler.
  • The monitor is a granite slab with the word “AOL” engraved on it.
  • The webcam is Vincent van Gogh.
  • The email app is a guy who can yell really loud.

Kid Happy Vs. Adult Happy

My coworker brought her little boy into the office, and he was playing with a big, rubber ball with Sponge Bob on it. He was throwing it and chasing it and laughing his little head off.  That ball probably cost three bucks. I have a two thousand dollar computer at home that has never made me that happy.

But maybe that’s because my computer isn’t just for games. I also have to use it to pay bills and taxes. Maybe the kid wouldn’t think his ball was so fun if it occasionally knocked him down and stole his lunch money.

Countermeasures

I

t was around my fourth or fifth win that I noticed casino security watching me. A gigantic man in a black turtleneck was casually chatting with other players, but every time I put down a bet, his shaved, bullet-shaped head turned my way. I could feel him probing the area with his mind, the energy sparking across the table like static electricity. My winning streak was about to end.

The fact that the guard could focus his mind was nothing short of astounding. From the nonstop flashing, dinging, and buzzing of the slot machines to the quarter-scale roller coaster, The Big Queen, running continuously a hundred feet over the players’ heads to the showgirls strolling the floor in costumes with hardly enough cloth to cover a Barbie doll, everything in The Royal Giant Casino added up to one big distraction. It was a wonder that anyone could concentrate long enough to place a bet.

I was doing my best to blend in with the other players. I was dressed as your typical Vegas tourist in my Giants cap, a gaudy Hawaiian shirt, and some oversized sunglasses that, I had hoped, would keep anyone from recognizing me. But apparently it hadn’t worked. You win a little too often, at too many places, and people start to get suspicious.

It was time to make one last bet before I cleared out. Better make it a big one. I placed eight thousand dollars on twenty-three, half my night’s winnings. The dealer called “no more bets” and spun the wheel. He carefully placed the little, ivory ball, spinning it in the other direction. The ball gradually lost momentum, bouncing across the numbered slots, its dance finally coming to an end in twenty-three.

The dealer called “Black thirty-five!” I was about to protest, but sure enough, the ball was now sitting in the next slot over. Somehow, it had moved.

“Looks like a TK,” I thought. I scanned the other player’s bets. A few people had won low-paying outside bets, black beating red,or odd beating even, but no one had bet on thirty-five. “It must be the guard. He’s not just psychic security – he’s a counter-psy.” Read more…

Holding Back The Dark

Three little girls, each smiling so sweetly,
All brushed their teeth and combed their hair neatly
They crawled into their beds and said goodnight
And then their dear mother turned out the light

It was Mommy and Daddy’s monthly date
Dinner and dancing would keep them out late
So they called a school girl with bright red hair
To watch the kids while they wouldn’t be there

The sitter said “Goodbye, go have a ball!”
And went to the kitchen to make a call
She ordered pizza, two extra larges
And headed off to check on her charges

But in the girls’ bedroom, something was wrong
The smell of sulfur, a strange, whispered song,
The girls snapped upright and threw back the sheets
Now was the time to stop being so sweet

They leaped out of bed and grabbed the sitter
Pulled out her hair and hit her and hit her
They tied her with ropes and dragged her upstairs
And chained her to an old, broken chair

The three little girls played a wicked game
Calling things from afar that have no name
Standing in the attic, they drew a star,
A nine-horned goat, and a woman with scars

They summoned a creature with their dark curse
That holds back the edge of the universe
A wall between us and our unknown fears
Keeping out the ones that ache to be here

The attic walls vanished, darkness crawled in
A thing with knives living under its skin
A sound like wind, and vast wings being spread
The girls gave a name to this nameless dread

“It’s not time for bed, and not time for tea,
It’s time to join Mother Eternity
Mother dwells in between her world and ours
And holds back the things from beyond the stars

“Don’t act so frightened, you little coward
Now it’s time for you to be devoured
I’m glad it will be you instead of me
Dying for our Mother Eternity”

The girls grabbed her throat and long knives slit her
And silenced the screams of their poor sitter
And the creature dragged her to a new place
Outside of time, and beyond all of space

It tore her flesh with teeth without number
And retired for another year’s slumber
Until the girls would stop acting so nice
And bring it a new sitter sacrifice

Roscoe and the Anti-Television

O

ne night, in the middle of an October thunderstorm, a raindrop ripped a hole in the sky. This raindrop was different, as big as a freight train and made of silver. It dropped through the hole and fell without a sound. At one thousand feet, it froze, hanging in the air. Far below it stood a ramshackle farm house, broken shingles and cracked windows barely keeping out the rain.

From its pointed tip came a beam of blue light. The light pierced one bedroom window, then the other. The raindrop turned and sent another beam of light to the far side of the farm. The light vanished and the hole in the sky sealed shut. The raindrop hid behind a cloud, waiting. Read more…

My friend thinks he’s psychic…

My friend thinks he’s psychic because, whenever the phone rings, he knows who’s calling, even before he answers it. That’s not psychic; that’s caller ID. What would be really impressive is if he saw his mom was calling, and immediately knew why she was disappointed.