Your computer is so old!

  • Your computer is so old, it has a rotary modem.
  • The ISP is Pony Express.
  • The hard drive doesn’t work without Viagra.
  • I wanted to install more memory, but I didn’t have another papyrus scroll.
  • The virus scanner just found the black plague.
  • It burned a DVD at the stake.
  • If you want to reboot, you have to take it to a cobbler.
  • The monitor is a granite slab with the word “AOL” engraved on it.
  • The webcam is Vincent van Gogh.
  • The email app is a guy who can yell really loud.

Kid Happy Vs. Adult Happy

My coworker brought her little boy into the office, and he was playing with a big, rubber ball with Sponge Bob on it. He was throwing it and chasing it and laughing his little head off.  That ball probably cost three bucks. I have a two thousand dollar computer at home that has never made me that happy.

But maybe that’s because my computer isn’t just for games. I also have to use it to pay bills and taxes. Maybe the kid wouldn’t think his ball was so fun if it occasionally knocked him down and stole his lunch money.

My friend thinks he’s psychic…

My friend thinks he’s psychic because, whenever the phone rings, he knows who’s calling, even before he answers it. That’s not psychic; that’s caller ID. What would be really impressive is if he saw his mom was calling, and immediately knew why she was disappointed.

Severed Head

A woman gets a call from the police. “We found a body, and we think it may be your husband. Does your husband have a mohawk, a glass eye, and two gold teeth?”

She says “Yes.” So, the police call her in to take a look at the body.

When she gets to the police station, the “body” is just a severed head. But, the head has a mohawk, a glass eye, and two gold teeth.

The woman looks at the body and says “That’s not my husband.”

The police officer says, “What do you mean that’s not your husband? You said your husband had a mohawk, a glass eye, and two gold teeth, and so does this guy. How can that not be your husband?”

And the woman says, “He’s too short.”

Johnny Cahooter, Computer Rebooter

The Big Boss sat down at his computing machine
And he pressed the go-goer, a button of green.
But the go never went, and the screen stayed dark black,
And Big Boss nearly suffered his third heart attack.

“Oh what should I do now?” Big Boss cried with dismay.
“Computing’s confusing, though I do it each day!
Perhaps I should learn how, after all of these years;
Or just crawl under my desk and cry these sad tears.”

The Time Clock struck nine, and in trudged the commuters,
And the Corporate Board, those old three-piece-suiters,
And sycophants, suck-ups, and Big Boss saluters,
And the I.T. technician, Johnny Cahooter.

“Soon I’ll be in such trouble!” lamented Big Boss.
“If I don’t finish payroll, the staff will be cross!
I’ll have the IT guy scoot in on his scooter,
That computer wizard, that Johnny Cahooter!”

Johnny had to wrestle antique printers that jammed,
And comfort an intern evil spammers had spammed,
And retrieve vital files the receptionist tossed,
But he had to come now, or his job would be lost!

So sighing and yawning, that Johnny Cahooter
Zipped into the room on his small, silver scooter.
“Well, what do you need now?” Johnny said to the boss,
“Shall I wipe off your nose, maybe help you to floss?”

“My computing machine,” the boss said with a hiss,
“It won’t bleep and won’t bloop! There is something amiss!”
“It’s simple,” said Johnny, as he scratched at his chin,
“You’ve forgotten to plug the bleep – blooping thing in!”

Things I learned in therapy

Things I learned in therapy

  • The imaginary friend I had as a child was actually a real person. Going to the park will never be fun again.
  • I should just ignore the voices in my head because they aren’t real. But didn’t the voices say the same thing about him?
  • The quickest way to get more self-esteem is to take it from other people.
  • Maybe I have intimacy issues, but I can’t stand it when people touch me on the cornea.
  • Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. What makes you crazy is doing it over a walkie-talkie.
  • It might seem like everyone I love is walking away from me, but that’s just how parades work.
  • WHY IS THIS &@#! ICE CREAM SO &**!@ COLD?! …Sorry, my therapist says I need to work on my rocky road rage.
  • I finally realized I have an eating disorder after I broke up with my girlfriend just so I could cheer myself up with ice cream.
  • My therapist said I’m a chronic procrastinator with a messiah complex, but I’m not worried. I’ll save the world . . . eventually.
  • I shouldn’t try to drink my problems away, even if my biggest problem is having too much booze.
  • It’s pretty crazy to wear a tinfoil hat to keep aliens from reading your mind is pretty crazy. It’s really crazy to wear a tinfoil hat because your brain is a baked potato.
  • My therapist says I have a condition that causes indecisiveness, and he’s naming it after me. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

Why We Broke Up

My girlfriend and I are about to celebrate our third anniversary. It’s great to finally be in a happy, stable relationship. My last few didn’t end so well…

Lisa just couldn’t deal with the fact that I was born without a uvula.

I told Susan that I wanted two women at once: one to iron my shirts, and the other to bake pies.

Amy got angry because I was always forgetting birthdays, deodorant, pants…

Janice thought I was immature, and I thought she was a poopy head.

Marie only wanted me for my body. Or, more specifically, my healthy kidneys.

Kathy didn’t like that I wanted to “wear the pants” in our relationship. And occasionally the sun dress, but that was only on the weekends, and just because they’re comfortable, not because I’m weird or anything.

Janet and I couldn’t agree on what day to celebrate as our anniversary: our first date, our first kiss, or the first time she filed a restraining order.

I dumped Rebecca after I asked her what sex felt like from a woman’s perspective, and she just said “let me show you” and waved a cucumber at me.

I dumped Carol because she was totally obsessed with being spanked. All night long, it was “No, you can’t spank me”, or “I said don’t spank me”, or “Damn it, stop spanking me!” God, talk about something else already!

I had to dump Rachel because of her intimacy issues. Every night, she would watch me undress, and then close her windows and tell me to get out of the bushes.

Firefox 4′s New Features

Firefox 4′s New Features:

  • Customize your browser’s appearance with themes, personas, or cute little hats.
  • Click the “New Tab” button any time you want a soda.
  • Parental Controls limit access to sites that might confuse or enrage your parents, like Fox News. Read more…

Dull Science Fiction Novels

Dull Science Fiction Novels

Just because it’s science fiction doesn’t make it exciting. Here, then, are some science fiction novels that are guaranteed to put you to sleep.

  • A Clockwork Orange Julius
  • The Invisible Manager
  • Atlas Shrugged, Sighed, and Wallowed in Regret
  • A Song of Ice and Fire and Wind and Rain and Dirt and Trees and Pine Cones and Waffles and…
  • Ringworld & Other Places to Take Your Fiancé
  • Foundation, Lipstick, Blush, and Empire
  • Stranger in a Strange Land’s End Sweater Vest
  • A Wrinkle in Trousers
  • Fahrenheit 45 and Partly Cloudy
  • Ender’s Game Goes Into Extra Innings
  • Something Wicker This Way Comes
  • Have Spacesuit, Won’t Travel (Also Have Motion Sickness)
  • 2001: A Honda Odyssey
  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the New Jersey Turnpike
  • Flowers for Algebra Homework
  • The Moon is a Harsh Mattress (Part 14 of the Napping Astronaut Chronicles)
  • The Stairs My Destination
  • Jurassic Parking Garage
  • Do Androids Dream of Taking Tests in Their Underpants?
  • 1984: The Mondale Campaign
  • I, Robert
  • The Lost World – No, Wait, There It Is. …Well, That Was Easy
  • The Andromeda Stain Remover
  • Journey to the Center of Ohio

Bonus: Dull Scifi Movies!

  • Backgammon To The Future
  • Soylent Chartreuse
  • Brunch of the Living Dead
  • Forbidden Planetarium
  • OboeCop
  • The Months and Months and Months the Earth Stood Still
  • The Fifth Element: Boron

As my grandfather always said…

As my grandfather always said…

A lot of people look to their older relatives for advice, guidance, and wisdom.  I am not one of those people.  I’ve collected a few of my grandfather’s favorite sayings here, which should explain why.

  • The children are our future, which is why I use them as fuel for my time machine.
  • You can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater and you can’t name your dog “Somebody Call 911.”
  • I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no face. That’s some scary crap right there. Read more…