Signs your boyfriend might be bad in bed

  • You tell him you’re into S&M, so he makes you spaghetti and meatballs.
  • You ask him to bring protection, and he shows up with shin guards and a welder’s mask.
  • He asks if you like being on top, and then shows you his bunk bed.
  • His favorite bedroom role playing game is “Naughty French Maid and Bulbasaur.” (And he’s the maid.)
  • In the heat of passion, he accidentally says someone else’s name. “Someone else! Someone else!”
  • His favorite positions are missionary, doggy style, half nelson, and sleeper hold.
  • Too many hand puppets.
  • You wanted him to cover you in whipped cream, but he’s spraying his 5th can and hasn’t even started licking yet.
  • His sex tapes are too artsy. The last one included a 45 minute dream sequence that was barely even relevant to the plot.
  • He’s a premature ejaculator. Way premature. Like the day before.

Choices

Choices are interesting. You can “frame” a choice in such a way that people never realize how limited their options really are.  When I was a little kid, and my mom was making dinner, she would pick out the main course, and then ask me what I wanted for a side dish.  “I’m making chicken. What should we have with it – broccoli or peas?”

Asking me about the side dish made me happy, because I felt like I was making a meaningful choice, and that I had control over what I had to eat. But framing the question that way was actually designed to limit my choices without me realizing it.  I never thought about the fact that the main course had already been decided, or that I couldn’t have fruit on the side instead, or that maybe I wasn’t hungry and didn’t want any food at all. All I cared about was making this one simple, restricted choice.

But I was just a child.  An adult would never fall for such a simple trick.

…Anyway, who did you vote for?

Your Freedumb to Vote

Tomorrow is Election Day, but you still might be wondering why you should go out and vote. Why should you drive to your polling place when you could stay home and do something that might actually improve your life, like reading a book or shaving your back hair? Well, I’ll tell you why! Democracy is the fuel that keeps the Indy 500 of freedom rolling! America needs your vote to keep going in its endless circle.

You don’t have to be “right” to have the right to vote! For every person who researches the issues, there are two who vote by picking the candidate with the nicest eyebrows. And their vote counts just as much as yours. Isn’t democracy great?

Before you can cut someone’s fingernails, you have to spend 2,000 hours in cosmetology school and apply for a manicurist’s license. To select the people who run the country, all you need to do is stand in a voting booth long enough to figure out which button is “Elephant” and which one is “Donkey.” Why limit voting to people who are actually informed? Limiting voting to smart people would be like limiting driving to sober people.

Voting is all about choices! We have 31 flavors of ice cream, 1,200 channels on the TV and 47,000 blogs about cute cat pictures, but we only need two political parties. Everyone in America is a Democrat or a Republican, just like everyone is named Dave or David.

Majorities rule! To be good at sports, you have to be strong or talented. But voting is different! The only thing you need is to have more people on your team. As long as 50.00001% of America is on your side, you’re a winner! It’s like picking a toothpaste because four out of five dentists recommended it. Only the dentists don’t have degrees, or licenses, and they think “toothpaste” is how you fix broken dentures.

Voting is magic! No money for school or childcare? Let the taxpayers foot the bill! Voting allows you to empty other people’s wallets without the hassle of buying a ski mask. Voting
gets you a little cash. It gets politicians millions of dollars, power, fame, and their names written on the side of buildings. But hey, enjoy your government cheese!

Politicians need your vote to do their jobs! Without your vote, politicians wouldn’t have access to the IRS, the CIA, or the ATF. (That’s the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, which sounds like a store but doesn’t actually sell anything.)

Remember, politicians are like children. They need you to sign a “permission slip” so they can tax you, arrest you, or blow up foreigners. Voting means that, whoever wins, whatever the next president does, you asked for it.

The Psychic Cat

Ralph the Dog pays a visit to the world’s greatest psychic, who happens to be a cat. Ralph says, “Oh, great and mighty Psychic Cat, what do you see in my future?”

The Psychic Cat rubbed her crystal yarn ball and said, “I see… I see… You will go to the vet, where you will… Oh no! …Ahem. I mean, you will go to the park! Where you will fetch sticks! Yes, there will be lots of sticks!”

Ralph said, “And balls?”

The Psychic Cat said, “No, not so much.”

An ode to Harry Baals

All this election talk has got me to thinking about the only politician I’ve ever really liked. Not because of his policies or personal politics. In fact, I wasn’t even alive when he was in office. As you can see by the title up there, I’m talking about the former mayor of Fort Wayne, Indiana, Harry Baals.

A while back, Fort Wayne got in the national news when the townsfolk voted to name the new government center building after Mayor Baals, but the vote was overruled. I guess the local politicians didn’t want a testicle joke engraved on the front of their workplace. That story aside, my favorite thing about Harry is this: everyone else in his family pronounced their last name like “Bales”, but he didn’t. He insisted it was “Balls.” He easily could have been “Harold Bales”, but he chose to be “Harry Balls.” It is that decision and the attitude it represents that inspired me to write this little poem… Read more…

The First Chain Mail

Thou hast been sent the Accursed Chain Mail! Thou must wear this armor in one battle, and one battle only, after which thou must forward this chain mail to other valiant warriors!

If thou art wondering if the curse is true, I say yea verily!

  • A Persian refused to forward the chain mail, and had his head removed with a battle axe.
  • A Roman who did not forward the chain mail had it ripped from him by the claws of a dragon.
  • A Norman was also foolhardy enough to ignore my warnings, and was cursed with the “French disease”. His masculine parts hence rotted like a barrel of oranges after a long ocean voyage.

To forward this chain mail, thou must have the local blacksmith make five copies, which then thou must give to a page or errand boy to carry to five villages beyond the horizon. If thou dost not complete this task, thou shalt be cursed with the pox! A pox upon thee, I say!

“A Few Of My Favorite Tweets” illustrates one of my jokes

The Tumblr “These Are A Few Of My Favorite Tweets” illustrated one of my jokes! Neat!

My Google search history

“How to get away with murder”

“I mean the TV show. I don’t actually want to kill anybody.”

“Except maybe my boss jk”

“Please don’t arrest me”

“Oh god oh god oh god”

“How to make a prison shank”

Searching The Internet For Writing Jobs

I want to be a writer! I’m going to search this job board for “writing”.

Search Results:

  • Insurance office needs someone with 10 years experience writing sales reports
  • Web developer needed – Must have experience writing HTML, PHP, CSS, BBQ
  • Office intern needed – Must enjoy writing lunch orders!

Well, crap. Maybe I’ll search for “writing articles”?

Search Results:

  • Make upwards of $2.00 a day writing articles for Sweatshop Magazine!
  • Help our SEO team with writing articles about popular search terms! Huge income potential because we share our ad revenue with you! If your article gets eleven billion hits, you get $2.00!
  • Earn big money writing articles! Conjunctions! Prepositions! You’ll use all the parts of speech working at our insurance office writing sales reports!

Crap! That doesn’t work, either. Maybe I’ll search for “creative writing”.

Search Results:

  • Like creative writing? Then you’ll LOVE working at our insurance office writing sales reports!

Craaaaap.

Good sex is like good BBQ…

  • Don’t rush it. The longer you spend preparing, the better it will be.
  • It’s better with some big, hot buns.
  • Keep some paper towels handy, in case it gets all over your face.
  • Rub your meat with olive oil. And cayenne pepper.
  • Try it with corn on the cob!