The First Chain Mail

Thou hast been sent the Accursed Chain Mail! Thou must wear this armor in one battle, and one battle only, after which thou must forward this chain mail to other valiant warriors!

If thou art wondering if the curse is true, I say yea verily!

  • A Persian refused to forward the chain mail, and had his head removed with a battle axe.
  • A Roman who did not forward the chain mail had it ripped from him by the claws of a dragon.
  • A Norman was also foolhardy enough to ignore my warnings, and was cursed with the “French disease”. His masculine parts hence rotted like a barrel of oranges after a long ocean voyage.

To forward this chain mail, thou must have the local blacksmith make five copies, which then thou must give to a page or errand boy to carry to five villages beyond the horizon. If thou dost not complete this task, thou shalt be cursed with the pox! A pox upon thee, I say!

“A Few Of My Favorite Tweets” illustrates one of my jokes

The Tumblr “These Are A Few Of My Favorite Tweets” illustrated one of my jokes! Neat!

My Google search history

“How to get away with murder”

“I mean the TV show. I don’t actually want to kill anybody.”

“Except maybe my boss jk”

“Please don’t arrest me”

“Oh god oh god oh god”

“How to make a prison shank”

Searching The Internet For Writing Jobs

I want to be a writer! I’m going to search this job board for “writing”.

Search Results:

  • Insurance office needs someone with 10 years experience writing sales reports
  • Web developer needed – Must have experience writing HTML, PHP, CSS, BBQ
  • Office intern needed – Must enjoy writing lunch orders!

Well, crap. Maybe I’ll search for “writing articles”?

Search Results:

  • Make upwards of $2.00 a day writing articles for Sweatshop Magazine!
  • Help our SEO team with writing articles about popular search terms! Huge income potential because we share our ad revenue with you! If your article gets eleven billion hits, you get $2.00!
  • Earn big money writing articles! Conjunctions! Prepositions! You’ll use all the parts of speech working at our insurance office writing sales reports!

Crap! That doesn’t work, either. Maybe I’ll search for “creative writing”.

Search Results:

  • Like creative writing? Then you’ll LOVE working at our insurance office writing sales reports!

Craaaaap.

Good sex is like good BBQ…

  • Don’t rush it. The longer you spend preparing, the better it will be.
  • It’s better with some big, hot buns.
  • Keep some paper towels handy, in case it gets all over your face.
  • Rub your meat with olive oil. And cayenne pepper.
  • Try it with corn on the cob!

Rock Songs Minus One Letter

This is a fun game to play with friends. Take the name of a song, subtract one letter, and tell everyone what the new song is about. I’ve used a bunch of classic rock songs in my list, so if you don’t get a joke, ask your dad.

  • Pink Floyd – “Comfortably Nub” – Pink loses a finger, but he’s okay with that.
  • Van Morrison – “Brow Eyed Girl” – A ballad about his ex-girlfriend’s amazing eyebrows
  • Bob Seger – “Turn The Age” – Bob sings about what happens on your birthday.
  • Elton John – “Rocket Ma” – This tune tells the tale of a woman who helped end the Cold War by giving birth to the first ICBM.
  • Cheep Trick – “I Want You To Ant Me” – Robin Zander wrote this song at a low point in his life, when all he wanted was for someone to burn him with a giant magnifying glass.
  • Blue Oyster Cult – “Don Fear The Reaper” – This song was written in an attempt to convince Don Knotts to give up his dangerous lifestyle and settle down before he got hurt. Don would later quit his career as a motorcycle daredevil and become an actor.
  • Foreigner – “Uke Box Hero” – A love ballad dedicated to the hardworking men and women of the ukelele shipping industry.
  • The Pretenders – “Bass In Pocket” – Chrissie Hynde’s ode to her pet fish, which she carried everywhere she went.
  • Blind Faith – “Can’t Find My Way Hoe” – A hit song about pulling over to ask a prostitute for directions. And that’s all he was doing, officer.
  • Sammy Hagar – “I Can’t Dive 55” – Sammy wrote this song to vent his frustrations over being too young to use the pool at the senior center.
  • The Clash – “I Fought The Aw” – Joe Strummer’s tune about resisting the urge to pet a cute kitty.
  • Ozzy Ozbourne – “Crazy Rain” – Ozzy wrote this song about the time he saw rain falling up. No one had the heart to tell him it was just a lawn sprinkler.

The wikiHow Game

The Rancher Joke

To old men in a retirement home are talking about their kids. The first man says, “What does your boy do for a living?”

The second man says, “He runs a ranch in Montana. He’s got everything there: horses, cows, water buffalo… Everything but a wife.”

The first man says, “Bison?”

The second man says, “No, I think he’s gay.”

Your computer is so old!

  • Your computer is so old, it has a rotary modem.
  • The ISP is Pony Express.
  • The hard drive doesn’t work without Viagra.
  • I wanted to install more memory, but I didn’t have another papyrus scroll.
  • The virus scanner just found the black plague.
  • It burned a DVD at the stake.
  • If you want to reboot, you have to take it to a cobbler.
  • The monitor is a granite slab with the word “AOL” engraved on it.
  • The webcam is Vincent van Gogh.
  • The email app is a guy who can yell really loud.

Kid Happy Vs. Adult Happy

My coworker brought her little boy into the office, and he was playing with a big, rubber ball with Sponge Bob on it. He was throwing it and chasing it and laughing his little head off.  That ball probably cost three bucks. I have a two thousand dollar computer at home that has never made me that happy.

But maybe that’s because my computer isn’t just for games. I also have to use it to pay bills and taxes. Maybe the kid wouldn’t think his ball was so fun if it occasionally knocked him down and stole his lunch money.