Writing Tips

Writing Tips

  • The only thing worse than seeing your writing plagiarized is realizing that nobody thinks your stuff is good enough to steal.
  • Before the Internet, the hardest thing about being a writer was crippling loneliness and alcoholism. Now, it’s knowing that even your best work won’t get as much attention as a cute cat picture.
  • Want to write something raunchy, but afraid of being censored? The following words sound dirty, but aren’t: Masticate, spelunking, titular, uvula, and my favorite, coccyx.
  • Spelling tip: Getting married? A man is your “fiancé”, a woman is your “fiancée”, and Fonzie is your “fiancéeeeey!”
  • Avoid using too many adjectives in a row. Example: “And then they had warm, slow, joyous, romantic, squishy, ocular sex.” Read more…

Parenting Tips

Parenting Tips

Have you decided to be a parent? Desperate to have a baby, just so there will finally be someone else in the house who cries when he poops? These parenting tips will make sure your child isn’t a brat, or a friendless loner, or in diapers until he’s in high school!

  • If you can keep a houseplant alive, you can be a good parent. Just remember to water your baby once a week!
  • Ladies, have your boyfriend watch your cat so you can see if he’d make a good dad. Guys, remember, a good dad makes his kid poop in a box in the laundry room.
  • (Don’t worry, guys – Cat watching is easier than baby sitting. It’s easier to change litter than a diaper, and a cat can’t tell its mom you’ve been drinking.)
  • Consider how many children you can handle. Having a child is like losing a finger: you can deal with one or two, but six or more could ruin your life.
  • Choosing the right name is important. I named my son “Sue” so he would grow up tough. I named my daughter “Optimus Prime” so she would grow up a giant robot.
  • If you want your son to be macho, give him a name with “the” in it, like The Hulk, Ivan The Terrible, or Winnie The Pooh.
  • Putting the kids to bed? Rock your baby to sleep with the power ballads of Bon Jovi.
  • Invest in a quality breast pump, so you spend less time waiting for them to inflate.
  • No matter how much you rub your baby, you will never meet the Diaper Genie.
  • The local news often has important safety tips for kids: “Can sexual predators molest your child via text message? We’ll let you know at 11!”
  • Cartoons are very educational. Everything I know about opera I learned from Bugs Bunny. (This sentence still works if you replace “Bugs Bunny” with “Road Runner” and “Opera” with “rocket-powered roller skates”.)
  • A baby is like an Etch-a-Sketch: If you shake it, you’ll erase everything and have to start over.
  • Most importantly, don’t let your kid grow up to be a brat, like my nephew. Yesterday, he called me a “booger eater.” He said he could keep a secret!

Job Hunting Tips

Job Hunting Tips

  • “Job hunting” is just an expression. Put down the crossbow.
  • Proofread your resume carefully. Make sure it doesn’t contain any grammatical mistakes, misspellings, or obscenities.
  • You can jazz up any resume by adding some suspense. “I have a master’s degree from Cornell University… Or do I?”
  • If you have to lie about having a college degree, write that you went to Marshall College. That’s where Indiana Jones teaches!
  • Your resume should describe your accomplishments with action words, like “created”, “oversaw”, or “deep fried.”
  • Short on references? You can make a “previous employer” with just a pair of buttons and an old sock!
  • When you go to an interview, dress one step above the job. If it’s a “business casual” office, wear a suit. If it’s corporate dress, wear a tuxedo. If it’s a tuxedo shop, wear a ball gown.
  • Show the interviewer you are punctual. Arrive early! Show up the night before, outside his house.
  • Greet the interviewer with a warm smile, a hearty handshake, and a pat on the rear.
  • If you’re nervous, just imagine your interviewer is in his underwear. Or your underwear. Or whatever.
  • If you are asked to name your greatest strength, say “x-ray vision,” and then wink all sexy like.
  • If asked to describe yourself in one word, use the biggest one you know. Examples: ebullient, callipygian, macroeconomics.
  • When asked why you applied, tell them that your dream job was already taken by Vanna White.
  • Show ambition! If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in five years, say something like, “Hopefully, I’ll have your job. And your wife.”
  • Finally, employers like you to take initiative! Even if they haven’t asked for a drug test, bring a urine sample.

Household Tips

Household Tips

  • Can’t afford health insurance? An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you whip it at his head hard enough.
  • No time to clean that mildew in the shower? Just ignore it until it evolves into a new form of intelligent life. If you’re lucky, it will make you its god.
  • You can save money on gas by never leaving your parents’ basement. Who needs to go places when you’ve got Mom?
  • You can save money by making your own clothes out of garbage bags and duct tape. (This will also save you money on dating.)
  • If you get gum in your hair, you can get it out with a simple trick. Just coat the gum in a layer of peanut butter, add 1/3 cup sugar and 2 eggs, and bake at 350 degrees for 20 minutes. Serves four.
  • Spill red wine on the carpet? Finish the bottle and you won’t care anymore.
  • If you live in a building that doesn’t allow dogs, consider buying a smaller pet like a hamster, a goldfish, or a swarm of bees.
  • Ladies, you can save ten minutes each night by removing your makeup with a belt sander.
  • Guys, if you’ve recently lost some hair, try retracing your steps. Where did you see it last? Did you check behind the couch?
  • “Baby proofing” the house can be time-consuming and expensive. Why not baby proof your girlfriend instead?
  • Actually, the best way to baby proof a house is to board up the doors and windows. I’d like to see that baby get in here now!

Tips for new college students

Tips for new college students

  • Worried about your grades? Your professor can’t grade your paper if you don’t turn it in!
  • You don’t have to be a science major to experiment in college.
  • Theater majors should consider auditioning for this year’s production of “Joseph and the Monochrome Trousers.” What could be more fun than a three-hour musical about Dockers?
  • Your tuition pays your professors’ salaries, so you’re basically their boss. Make sure to remind them of this.
  • Art majors, remember that artists never sell paintings until after they’re dead. Of course, if you’re really impatient, you can start selling paintings this weekend…
  • Only take classes from professors who are listed in the phone book. That way, when you get back your grades, you’ll know where they live.
  • If you’re running late for class, you can save time by doing several things at once. While you’re taking your shower, you can also shave, brush your teeth, and blow-dry your hair.
  • If you’re really running late, it’s OK to come to class in your pajamas. However, you might want to rethink the onesie.
  • No matter what the weird guy in the library says, there is no such thing as “the campus masseuse.”
  • College is a great time to expose yourself to new cultures. First, get a trench coat…

Christmas Shopping Tips

Christmas Shopping Tips

  • Instead of buying your girlfriend expensive clothes and cosmetics, why not save some cash and just take off your glasses?
  • Don’t forget to buy lots of small items for stocking stuffers, like candy, toys, or ammunition.
  • You can get a custom message printed on just about anything. Finally, you can get your father that “World’s 43rd Greatest Dad” mug!
  • Instead of getting your sister a Twilight novel, how about a phone book? It’s longer, has more characters, and the plot’s just as good.
  • Nothing shows a friend you appreciate him more than the gift of an amusing nickname! ”Thanks for the iPod! I’m going to call you ‘Spanky’!”
  • If you’re buying your sister some socks, make sure they match her earrings.
  • Don’t bother getting a gift for your brother’s new girlfriend. She’s just a lawn gnome.
  • People love homemade gifts! Try making your girlfriend some lingerie out of a welcome mat.
  • If you’re the arts and crafts type, you can make your own Christmas tree with nothing but some glue, some pipe cleaners, and a large ax.
  • If you get your uncle a gun and a ski mask, he’ll get you an iPhone and some guy’s wallet.
  • Save money on gifts by telling everyone you only celebrate Canadian Boxing Day, and then punching them in the face.
  • If you buy your mom a fur coat, make sure it’s faux fur. A ”faux” is a French fox. How fancy!
  • Puppies and kittens are great presents, but they’re very difficult to wrap. First, seal them in Tupperware.
  • Remember to not be so materialistic. After all, the greatest gift of all is the laughter of a child, as he murders his first hobo.
  • Why not fire up the printer and make your boyfriend some coupons for Free Kisses? Hopefully, he won’t re-gift them to the guys at the office.