Writing Tips

• The only thing worse than seeing your writing plagiarized is realizing that nobody thinks your stuff is good enough to steal.
• Before the Internet, the hardest thing about being a writer was crippling loneliness and alcoholism. Now, it’s knowing that even your best work won’t get as much attention as a cute cat picture.
• Want to write something raunchy, but afraid of being censored? The following words sound dirty, but aren’t: Masticate, spelunking, titular, uvula, and my favorite, coccyx.
• Spelling tip: Getting married? A man is your “fiancé”, a woman is your “fiancée”, and Fonzie is your “fiancéeeeey!”
• Avoid using too many adjectives in a row. Example: “And then they had warm, slow, joyous, romantic, squishy, ocular sex.” Read more…

Unpopular Body Mods

• An internal “face lift” to remove wrinkles from the brain
• Ocular bleaching
• Two eyebrow rings and a tongue ring, connected with a chain so that, whenever you stick out your tongue, you look mad
• For those forgetful types, a tattoo of this week’s “to do” list
• The “Ken Doll”
• Nipple sharpening
• Lung reduction surgery
• A mood nose ring
• Cellulite implants
• Beast implants
• Laser hair removal – Who would want that? “Laser hair” sounds awesome!
• Albinoplasty
• Emotional scarring
• Social stigmata
• Nostrilectomy
• So many naughty piercings that your underpants jingle like a pocket full of change

Tips for a romantic Valentine’s Day

• Writing a love poem? Here are some things that rhyme with “I love you”: blue, shoe, canoe, beef stew, and kung fu.
• If you have kids and need time alone for romance, try making milkshakes with vanilla ice cream and Nyquil.
• Mix CDs are always a nice touch. Start with Endless Love, then My Heart Will Go On. Conclude with the theme song to Dukes of Hazard.
• When you pick up your date, there’s no reason to walk all the way to the door. Just honk until she comes outside. Keep honking until she gets in the car, puts on her seatbelt, and kisses you hello.
• If you waited until now, the flower shops are empty, but you can still get roses at pharmacies, gas stations, and cemeteries.
• Good gift: chocolate. Better gift: jewelry. Best gift: chocolate jewelry.
• Ladies love a “take charge” kind of guy, so if you go out to dinner, feel free to order for her. “I’ll have a salad and a Diet Sprite, and the lady will have three Big Macs, six large fries, and eight hot apple pies. And can you pour the burger grease into a Coke? She likes that.”
• No matter how romantic it may seem at the time, never get a tattoo of a lover’s name. When my girlfriend, Robin, dumped me, it was $200 to remove my “I love Robin” tattoo, so I just added “…and also Batman.”
• Feeding each other can be romantic, but only if you pick the right foods. Strawberries are a great choice. BBQ ribs, not so much.
• If you’re in a moment of passion and forget your date’s name, don’t worry! Most girls are named “Becky.”
• It’s very romantic to make breakfast in bed, as long as you can reach the stove.
• If all else fails, you can copy my plans for Valentine’s Day: A candlelight dinner, a Sex In The City marathon, a romantic bubble bath, and then maybe some time with my girlfriend.

Signs She Has a Crush on You

• She touches your hair, smiles at you, and asks how you want it cut.
• She laughs at all your jokes, even that one that got you kicked out of church.
• She tries to make you jealous by sleeping with other guys, like her husband.
• She knows everything about you – your favorite color, your middle name, where you hid the bodies…
• She carved your name in a tree, and in your arm.
• She always has “doe eyes” when she looks at you through her binoculars.
• She’s always doing little favors for you, like bringing you coffee, loaning you a pencil, or helping you bathe.
• When you said you liked jewelry, she bought you a 24-karat gold house arrest bracelet.
• She makes eye contact so much, she scratched your cornea.
• She gives you a cute nickname, like “Honey” or “Sugar” or “Grandpa.”
• You catch her looking at you from across the room, but she just looks away, embarrassed, and tells you to go back to sleep.
• She just had your third child.

Things you forgot you did on Saint Patrick’s Day

• Accusing a Canadian exchange student of being a spy.
• Visiting a sick friend in the hospital and offering to rent her your kidney.
• Doing a set at a karaoke bar and, when the audience started booing, thinking the bar was haunted.
• Buying a taco from a cart on the sidewalk and then spending the next six hours getting sick in the restroom. Or was that the other way around?
• Starting your own home business: selling orphans through the mail.
• Losing fifty bucks in a penguin cockfight.
• Struggling to keep your car above 50 but below 88 to keep it from exploding or traveling through time.
• Trying your hand at pole dancing and, ten minutes later, being kicked out of the firehouse.
• Almost getting in a car accident with a cop and then laughing when he asked “Were you trying to rear end me?”
• Finally, your friends held an intervention. At the end of the night, you asked “So, same time next year?”

There’s no such thing as a stupid question

Next time someone says “There’s no such thing as a stupid question”, ask them one of these.

• Why is it okay for my girlfriend to borrow my t-shirt, but I can’t come to class in a French maid outfit?
• Why does everyone say long distance relationships are tough? Am I the only one who owns a pair of binoculars?
• They say beauty’s only skin deep. Well, obviously. How pretty would you be without all that skin?
• My girlfriend gets really angry for a few days each month. Does that mean she’s a werewolf?
• Ever notice how a woman will tell you about her cat, but she’ll never tell her cat about you? No matter how many times you ask?
• Have you ever wondered why Tommy Boy cologne is so popular, but nobody wants to smell like Chris Farley’s other movies?
• Are you sure you need to have kids? What if I just screamed a lot and wet my pants?
• Why is it only entertaining when a magician saws someone in half?
• Why do they call it an “Oedipus Complex”? It seems pretty simple to me.
• Does my zipper smell funny to you?
• Does it count as a date if she doesn’t know I’m there?

Parenting Tips

Have you decided to be a parent? Desperate to have a baby, just so there will finally be someone else in the house who cries when he poops? These parenting tips will make sure your child isn’t a brat, or a friendless loner, or in diapers until he’s in high school!

• If you can keep a houseplant alive, you can be a good parent. Just remember to water your baby once a week!
• Ladies, have your boyfriend watch your cat so you can see if he’d make a good dad. Guys, remember, a good dad makes his kid poop in a box in the laundry room.
• (Don’t worry, guys – Cat watching is easier than baby sitting. It’s easier to change litter than a diaper, and a cat can’t tell its mom you’ve been drinking.)
• Consider how many children you can handle. Having a child is like losing a finger: you can deal with one or two, but six or more could ruin your life.
• Choosing the right name is important. I named my son “Sue” so he would grow up tough. I named my daughter “Optimus Prime” so she would grow up a giant robot.
• If you want your son to be macho, give him a name with “the” in it, like The Hulk, Ivan The Terrible, or Winnie The Pooh.
• Putting the kids to bed? Rock your baby to sleep with the power ballads of Bon Jovi.
• Invest in a quality breast pump, so you spend less time waiting for them to inflate.
• No matter how much you rub your baby, you will never meet the Diaper Genie.
• The local news often has important safety tips for kids: “Can sexual predators molest your child via text message? We’ll let you know at 11!”
• Cartoons are very educational. Everything I know about opera I learned from Bugs Bunny. (This sentence still works if you replace “Bugs Bunny” with “Road Runner” and “Opera” with “rocket-powered roller skates”.)
• A baby is like an Etch-a-Sketch: If you shake it, you’ll erase everything and have to start over.
• Most importantly, don’t let your kid grow up to be a brat, like my nephew. Yesterday, he called me a “booger eater.” He said he could keep a secret!

My New Year’s Resolutions

• Stop drinking so much. Drink less, at a higher proof.
• Be careful how I spend my money. Never buy anything I don’t need, or could easily shoplift.
• Cut down on the smoking. It’ll be harder to spot the fires.
• Read more. Start taking thicker books to the bathroom.
• Stop pirating music. Free mp3s aren’t worth getting scurvy.
• Make more time for my hobby: oreorigami, the ancient art of cookie folding.
• Take better care of my body. It’s the only one I’ve got… for now.
• Get out of debt by faking my own death. Start a new life as a banjo-playing hobo named Lucky.
• Spend more time with family, as soon as they tell me where they live.
• Diet until I can get into my high school jeans again, or someone else’s.
• Have five servings of fruit a day, or two handfuls of Skittles.
• Be more humble, and stop being so arrogant, boastful, and sexy.
• Get some exercise, like running away from women who want their purses back.
• Become the first female President of the United States. Also, get a sex change.
• Make some new friends. The old ones are starting to smell funny. Also, clean out the basement.

The world’s hardest midterm questions

• Philosophy 303: As we’ve spent the first half of the semester proving that there is no such thing as morality, is there any reason not to cheat on this test? Or on my wife?
• Entomology 101: How many centipedes can you fit in your mouth?
• Nursing 430: How would you treat a patient who was cleaning his ears with a Q-Tip but went too deep and now he can’t remember how to do long division anymore?
• Film 244: True or false – In the first draft of Citizen Kane, “Rosebud” was the name of a call girl in Atlantic City.
• Psychology 341: What is the biggest cause of paranoia? (A) Psychotic illnesses (B) Recreational drugs (C) The clown that lives under your bed.
• American History 114: How would World War II have been different if naval combat worked like the game “Battleship”? What about “Hungry Hungry Hippos”?
• Psychology 203: Next to “road rage,” what kind of rage is the most common? (A) Jazzercise rage (B) Quiet time alone to meditate rage (C) Bathroom rage
• Nursing 334: If you were in a life-or-death emergency situation, how far could you throw a baby?
• Biology 113: During an argument, which part of a woman is the angriest? (Hint: It’s not the eyebrows.)
• Business 204: Design a marketing campaign for one of the following products: A Fisher-Price stun gun, Petsmart dating service, or Dunkin’ Donuts lingerie.

Job Hunting Tips

• “Job hunting” is just an expression. Put down the crossbow.
• Proofread your resume carefully. Make sure it doesn’t contain any grammatical mistakes, misspellings, or obscenities.
• You can jazz up any resume by adding some suspense. “I have a master’s degree from Cornell University… Or do I?”
• If you have to lie about having a college degree, write that you went to Marshall College. That’s where Indiana Jones teaches!
• Your resume should describe your accomplishments with action words, like “created”, “oversaw”, or “deep fried.”
• Short on references? You can make a “previous employer” with just a pair of buttons and an old sock!
• When you go to an interview, dress one step above the job. If it’s a “business casual” office, wear a suit. If it’s corporate dress, wear a tuxedo. If it’s a tuxedo shop, wear a ball gown.
• Show the interviewer you are punctual. Arrive early! Show up the night before, outside his house.
• Greet the interviewer with a warm smile, a hearty handshake, and a pat on the rear.
• If you’re nervous, just imagine your interviewer is in his underwear. Or your underwear. Or whatever.
• If you are asked to name your greatest strength, say “x-ray vision,” and then wink all sexy like.
• If asked to describe yourself in one word, use the biggest one you know. Examples: ebullient, callipygian, macroeconomics.
• When asked why you applied, tell them that your dream job was already taken by Vanna White.
• Show ambition! If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in five years, say something like, “Hopefully, I’ll have your job. And your wife.”
• Finally, employers like you to take initiative! Even if they haven’t asked for a drug test, bring a urine sample.