Why We Broke Up

My girlfriend and I are about to celebrate our third anniversary. It’s great to finally be in a happy, stable relationship. My last few didn’t end so well…

Lisa just couldn’t deal with the fact that I was born without a uvula.

I told Susan that I wanted two women at once: one to iron my shirts, and the other to bake pies.

Amy got angry because I was always forgetting birthdays, deodorant, pants…

Janice thought I was immature, and I thought she was a poopy head.

Marie only wanted me for my body. Or, more specifically, my healthy kidneys.

Kathy didn’t like that I wanted to “wear the pants” in our relationship. And occasionally the sun dress, but that was only on the weekends, and just because they’re comfortable, not because I’m weird or anything.

Janet and I couldn’t agree on what day to celebrate as our anniversary: our first date, our first kiss, or the first time she filed a restraining order.

I dumped Rebecca after I asked her what sex felt like from a woman’s perspective, and she just said “let me show you” and waved a cucumber at me.

I dumped Carol because she was totally obsessed with being spanked. All night long, it was “No, you can’t spank me”, or “I said don’t spank me”, or “Damn it, stop spanking me!” God, talk about something else already!

I had to dump Rachel because of her intimacy issues. Every night, she would watch me undress, and then close her windows and tell me to get out of the bushes.

Firefox 4′s New Features

Firefox 4′s New Features:

  • Customize your browser’s appearance with themes, personas, or cute little hats.
  • Click the “New Tab” button any time you want a soda.
  • Parental Controls limit access to sites that might confuse or enrage your parents, like Fox News. Read more…

Dull Science Fiction Novels

Dull Science Fiction Novels

Just because it’s science fiction doesn’t make it exciting. Here, then, are some science fiction novels that are guaranteed to put you to sleep.

  • A Clockwork Orange Julius
  • The Invisible Manager
  • Atlas Shrugged, Sighed, and Wallowed in Regret
  • A Song of Ice and Fire and Wind and Rain and Dirt and Trees and Pine Cones and Waffles and…
  • Ringworld & Other Places to Take Your Fiancé
  • Foundation, Lipstick, Blush, and Empire
  • Stranger in a Strange Land’s End Sweater Vest
  • A Wrinkle in Trousers
  • Fahrenheit 45 and Partly Cloudy
  • Ender’s Game Goes Into Extra Innings
  • Something Wicker This Way Comes
  • Have Spacesuit, Won’t Travel (Also Have Motion Sickness)
  • 2001: A Honda Odyssey
  • The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the New Jersey Turnpike
  • Flowers for Algebra Homework
  • The Moon is a Harsh Mattress (Part 14 of the Napping Astronaut Chronicles)
  • The Stairs My Destination
  • Jurassic Parking Garage
  • Do Androids Dream of Taking Tests in Their Underpants?
  • 1984: The Mondale Campaign
  • I, Robert
  • The Lost World – No, Wait, There It Is. …Well, That Was Easy
  • The Andromeda Stain Remover
  • Journey to the Center of Ohio

Bonus: Dull Scifi Movies!

  • Backgammon To The Future
  • Soylent Chartreuse
  • Brunch of the Living Dead
  • Forbidden Planetarium
  • OboeCop
  • The Months and Months and Months the Earth Stood Still
  • The Fifth Element: Boron

As my grandfather always said…

As my grandfather always said…

A lot of people look to their older relatives for advice, guidance, and wisdom.  I am not one of those people.  I’ve collected a few of my grandfather’s favorite sayings here, which should explain why.

  • The children are our future, which is why I use them as fuel for my time machine.
  • You can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater and you can’t name your dog “Somebody Call 911.”
  • I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no face. That’s some scary crap right there. Read more…

Strange Google searches

Strange things from Google Analytics

Every once in a while, I check Google Analytics to see what people are searching for when they come to my site.   Sometimes it shows me people are looking for my content but can’t find it, sometimes it gives me story ideas, and sometimes… it just creeps me out.

Here are some of the stranger Google searches that brought people to my site: Read more…

Viruses and spyware and rootkits – Oh my!

Viruses and spyware and rootkits – Oh my!

This just happened…

A coworker – let’s call her Rachel -  brings in her desktop from home so I can take a look at it.  Apparently, it has been running slower and slower over the past few months.  I reluctantly agree, and she brings me  the computer equivalent of a Ford Edsel.  It takes half an hour just to boot up, and the whole time, the hard drive is grinding like a garbage disposal with a fork in it. Read more…

Cleaning Up The Classics

Cleaning Up The Classics

Inspired by the recent sanitized version of Mark Twain’s “The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn,” I present to you some classic novels now rendered completely inoffensive:

  • “The Fan of the Opera”
  • “Fahrenheit 45 and Partly Cloudy”
  • “The Taming of the Shrewd Businesswoman” Read more…

Chocolate Pudding Recipe

Chocolate Pudding Recipe

Ingredients

  • 85,000 cups of white sugar

  • 467,500 cups of milk

  • 56,000 tablespoons of vanilla extract

  • 31,875 cups of unsweetened cocoa powder

  • 42,500 cups of cornstarch

  • 21,250 cups of margarine or butter

  • 21,216 teaspoons of salt

Directions Read more…

A horrible joke

Two sailors wake up in bed covered in bug bites.

The first sailor says, “We must have bed bugs!”

The second sailor says, “No, these are flea bites!”

The first sailor says, “These are obviously bed bug bites.”

The sailors argue back and forth, getting louder and louder, until they wake up the captain.  The captain comes in and says, “You’re just arguing seaman ticks.”

Writing Tips

Writing Tips

  • The only thing worse than seeing your writing plagiarized is realizing that nobody thinks your stuff is good enough to steal.
  • Before the Internet, the hardest thing about being a writer was crippling loneliness and alcoholism. Now, it’s knowing that even your best work won’t get as much attention as a cute cat picture.
  • Want to write something raunchy, but afraid of being censored? The following words sound dirty, but aren’t: Masticate, spelunking, titular, uvula, and my favorite, coccyx.
  • Spelling tip: Getting married? A man is your “fiancé”, a woman is your “fiancée”, and Fonzie is your “fiancéeeeey!”
  • Avoid using too many adjectives in a row. Example: “And then they had warm, slow, joyous, romantic, squishy, ocular sex.” Read more…