As my grandfather always said…

As my grandfather always said…

A lot of people look to their older relatives for advice, guidance, and wisdom.  I am not one of those people.  I’ve collected a few of my grandfather’s favorite sayings here, which should explain why.

  • The children are our future, which is why I use them as fuel for my time machine.
  • You can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater and you can’t name your dog “Somebody Call 911.”
  • I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no face. That’s some scary crap right there.
  • You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. At least, that’s what the judge said when I was arrested for drowning those horses.
  • A little hard work never hurt anyone, unless you count all those weekends I spent building that guillotine.
  • Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a stroke of inspiration and just a stroke.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. For everyone else, you can rely on your personality.
  • There’s more than one way to skin a cat, so try them all and pick your favorite.
  • You never really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend an hour in their pants.
  • If you really love something, set it free. Unless you’re a bee keeper who lives near a playground.
  • When life hands you lemons, hand life $1.35. Lemons ain’t free, jackass.
  • If you give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. If you shove a fish in a man’s pants, he’ll never be lonely again.
  • You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a horse drink. At least, not without a really big blender.
  • Behind every great man is a great woman, waiting to push him down the stairs.

4 comments on “As my grandfather always said…

  1. Steve B on said:

    These are great. I like the last one the best.

  2. Kaiely C. on said:

    The last one is so true, but odly enough it is in my “50 ways to annoy people”, just not stated like that.

  3. there all funny

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