As my grandfather always said…

A lot of people look to their older relatives for advice, guidance, and wisdom.  I am not one of those people.  I’ve collected a few of my grandfather’s favorite sayings here, which should explain why.

• The children are our future, which is why I use them as fuel for my time machine.
• You can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater and you can’t name your dog “Somebody Call 911.”
• I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no face. That’s some scary crap right there.
• You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. At least, that’s what the judge said when I was arrested for drowning those horses.
• A little hard work never hurt anyone, unless you count all those weekends I spent building that guillotine.
• Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a stroke of inspiration and just a stroke.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away. For everyone else, you can rely on your personality.
• There’s more than one way to skin a cat, so try them all and pick your favorite.
• You never really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend an hour in their pants.
• If you really love something, set it free. Unless you’re a bee keeper who lives near a playground.
• When life hands you lemons, hand life $1.35. Lemons ain’t free, jackass.
• If you give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. If you shove a fish in a man’s pants, he’ll never be lonely again.
• You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a horse drink. At least, not without a really big blender.
• Behind every great man is a great woman, waiting to push him down the stairs.

Filed under: humor by Writepop