As my grandfather always said…

As my grandfather always said…

A lot of people look to their older relatives for advice, guidance, and wisdom.  I am not one of those people.  I’ve collected a few of my grandfather’s favorite sayings here, which should explain why.

  • The children are our future, which is why I use them as fuel for my time machine.
  • You can’t shout “fire” in a crowded theater and you can’t name your dog “Somebody Call 911.”
  • I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no face. That’s some scary crap right there.
  • You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink. At least, that’s what the judge said when I was arrested for drowning those horses.
  • A little hard work never hurt anyone, unless you count all those weekends I spent building that guillotine.
  • Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference between a stroke of inspiration and just a stroke.
  • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. For everyone else, you can rely on your personality.
  • There’s more than one way to skin a cat, so try them all and pick your favorite.
  • You never really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes or spend an hour in their pants.
  • If you really love something, set it free. Unless you’re a bee keeper who lives near a playground.
  • When life hands you lemons, hand life $1.35. Lemons ain’t free, jackass.
  • If you give a man a fish, you’ll feed him for a day. If you shove a fish in a man’s pants, he’ll never be lonely again.
  • You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make a horse drink. At least, not without a really big blender.
  • Behind every great man is a great woman, waiting to push him down the stairs.

4 Responses to “As my grandfather always said…”

  1. These are great. I like the last one the best.

  2. Thanks! Oddly enough, the last one is my girlfriend’s favorite, too.

  3. The last one is so true, but odly enough it is in my “50 ways to annoy people”, just not stated like that.

  4. there all funny

Leave a Reply

Please solve this math problem to comment. Spam bots can\'t do math. (They\'re English majors.) * Time limit is exhausted. Please reload the CAPTCHA.