Job Hunting Tips

Job Hunting Tips

  • “Job hunting” is just an expression. Put down the crossbow.
  • Proofread your resume carefully. Make sure it doesn’t contain any grammatical mistakes, misspellings, or obscenities.
  • You can jazz up any resume by adding some suspense. “I have a master’s degree from Cornell University… Or do I?”
  • If you have to lie about having a college degree, write that you went to Marshall College. That’s where Indiana Jones teaches!
  • Your resume should describe your accomplishments with action words, like “created”, “oversaw”, or “deep fried.”
  • Short on references? You can make a “previous employer” with just a pair of buttons and an old sock!
  • When you go to an interview, dress one step above the job. If it’s a “business casual” office, wear a suit. If it’s corporate dress, wear a tuxedo. If it’s a tuxedo shop, wear a ball gown.
  • Show the interviewer you are punctual. Arrive early! Show up the night before, outside his house.
  • Greet the interviewer with a warm smile, a hearty handshake, and a pat on the rear.
  • If you’re nervous, just imagine your interviewer is in his underwear. Or your underwear. Or whatever.
  • If you are asked to name your greatest strength, say “x-ray vision,” and then wink all sexy like.
  • If asked to describe yourself in one word, use the biggest one you know. Examples: ebullient, callipygian, macroeconomics.
  • When asked why you applied, tell them that your dream job was already taken by Vanna White.
  • Show ambition! If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in five years, say something like, “Hopefully, I’ll have your job. And your wife.”
  • Finally, employers like you to take initiative! Even if they haven’t asked for a drug test, bring a urine sample.

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