Signs your boyfriend might be bad in bed

  • You tell him you’re into S&M, so he makes you spaghetti and meatballs.
  • You ask him to bring protection, and he shows up with shin guards and a welder’s mask.
  • He asks if you like being on top, and then shows you his bunk bed.
  • His favorite bedroom role playing game is “Naughty French Maid and Bulbasaur.” (And he’s the maid.)
  • In the heat of passion, he accidentally says someone else’s name. “Someone else! Someone else!”
  • His favorite positions are missionary, doggy style, half nelson, and sleeper hold.
  • Too many hand puppets.
  • You wanted him to cover you in whipped cream, but he’s spraying his 5th can and hasn’t even started licking yet.
  • His sex tapes are too artsy. The last one included a 45 minute dream sequence that was barely even relevant to the plot.
  • He’s a premature ejaculator. Way premature. Like the day before.

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