Things I learned in therapy

Things I learned in therapy

  • The imaginary friend I had as a child was actually a real person. Going to the park will never be fun again.
  • I should just ignore the voices in my head because they aren’t real. But didn’t the voices say the same thing about him?
  • The quickest way to get more self-esteem is to take it from other people.
  • Maybe I have intimacy issues, but I can’t stand it when people touch me on the cornea.
  • Talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy. What makes you crazy is doing it over a walkie-talkie.
  • It might seem like everyone I love is walking away from me, but that’s just how parades work.
  • WHY IS THIS &@#! ICE CREAM SO &**!@ COLD?! …Sorry, my therapist says I need to work on my rocky road rage.
  • I finally realized I have an eating disorder after I broke up with my girlfriend just so I could cheer myself up with ice cream.
  • My therapist said I’m a chronic procrastinator with a messiah complex, but I’m not worried. I’ll save the world . . . eventually.
  • I shouldn’t try to drink my problems away, even if my biggest problem is having too much booze.
  • It’s pretty crazy to wear a tinfoil hat to keep aliens from reading your mind is pretty crazy. It’s really crazy to wear a tinfoil hat because your brain is a baked potato.
  • My therapist says I have a condition that causes indecisiveness, and he’s naming it after me. I’m not sure how to feel about that.

3 comments on “Things I learned in therapy

  1. Robert Ian on said:

    I love these – particularly the quickest way to get self-esteem, parades and talking to yourself on a walkie-talkie.

  2. Fred on said:

    Shades of Steven Wright

  3. This definitely helped me get an idea for a story

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