Your Freedumb to Vote

Tomorrow is Election Day, but you still might be wondering why you should go out and vote. Why should you drive to your polling place when you could stay home and do something that might actually improve your life, like reading a book or shaving your back hair? Well, I’ll tell you why! Democracy is the fuel that keeps the Indy 500 of freedom rolling! America needs your vote to keep going in its endless circle.

You don’t have to be “right” to have the right to vote! For every person who researches the issues, there are two who vote by picking the candidate with the nicest eyebrows. And their vote counts just as much as yours. Isn’t democracy great?

Before you can cut someone’s fingernails, you have to spend 2,000 hours in cosmetology school and apply for a manicurist’s license. To select the people who run the country, all you need to do is stand in a voting booth long enough to figure out which button is “Elephant” and which one is “Donkey.” Why limit voting to people who are actually informed? Limiting voting to smart people would be like limiting driving to sober people.

Voting is all about choices! We have 31 flavors of ice cream, 1,200 channels on the TV and 47,000 blogs about cute cat pictures, but we only need two political parties. Everyone in America is a Democrat or a Republican, just like everyone is named Dave or David.

Majorities rule! To be good at sports, you have to be strong or talented. But voting is different! The only thing you need is to have more people on your team. As long as 50.00001% of America is on your side, you’re a winner! It’s like picking a toothpaste because four out of five dentists recommended it. Only the dentists don’t have degrees, or licenses, and they think “toothpaste” is how you fix broken dentures.

Voting is magic! No money for school or childcare? Let the taxpayers foot the bill! Voting allows you to empty other people’s wallets without the hassle of buying a ski mask. Voting
gets you a little cash. It gets politicians millions of dollars, power, fame, and their names written on the side of buildings. But hey, enjoy your government cheese!

Politicians need your vote to do their jobs! Without your vote, politicians wouldn’t have access to the IRS, the CIA, or the ATF. (That’s the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, which sounds like a store but doesn’t actually sell anything.)

Remember, politicians are like children. They need you to sign a “permission slip” so they can tax you, arrest you, or blow up foreigners. Voting means that, whoever wins, whatever the next president does, you asked for it.

2 Responses to “Your Freedumb to Vote”

  1. I know I’m probably ruining the joke, but not everyone’s name is Dave or David, and there’s also the Libertarian and Green parties.

  2. Yep, that’s the point I was making.

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