A brief history of the American Free Territories

he Old Days came to an end with the Washington Riots. People finally grew tired of the endless wars, the ever-increasing taxes, and a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms that refused to sell you anything. So, for the second time in the nation’s history, the capital was burned to the ground. According to eyewitnesses, the first of the fires were started by Mitch Deslin and his men. They stood watching, silent, as the politicians fled.

No one seems to know exactly how Deslin became the head of the freedom fighters. Some say the government’s last breath was spent destroying vital historical records. Others say the revolutionaries hid the truth themselves, embarrassed that their leader was a game show host. Regardless of the reason, one thing is known for sure: it was Deslin who first suggested killing the president.

President John Solano’s assassination was not the first one to be filmed. It was not even the first to be shown live on national television. However, it was certainly the most entertaining. On the day of the Washington Riots, the Secret Service attempted to rush President Solano and his wife away to their bomb shelter, but Deslin’s men were already waiting by the helicopter. The band of freedom fighters quickly gunned down the Secret Service, and then Mitch Deslin, the host of It’s Your Lucky Day, shot the president in the head. As for Mrs. Solano, no one knows what happened to her. Seconds after her husband was killed, the station cut to a commercial.

Soon, politicians were hunted into near-extinction, like the snow leopard, the bison, or the teacup Chihuahua. The federal government declared bankruptcy and disbanded. Texas and Alaska became independent nations. The rest of the country forswore politics forever, becoming known as the American Free Territories.

The death of politics was the birth of a new American Dream. It was far better than the old American Dream, which was to die before your creditors found out where you lived. In the new America, hardworking individuals would finally get to keep everything they earned. No one would have to work forty hours a week, only to see half of their paycheck stolen by Washington. On the other hand, if anyone actually enjoyed wasting money on useless things, they could still go to college.